The Making of Men by Dr Arne Rubinstein

Author:Dr Arne Rubinstein
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Xoum Publishing

Shaming your son is the worst thing you can do

It is crucial to not shame a young man when he stumbles, makes a mistake, or oversteps boundaries. Shaming can destroy a young man’s sense of wellbeing: it affects him at a very deep level and impacts his self-esteem. He no longer feels in control of his situation, he no longer feels capable, and worst of all he no longer feels loved. These feelings can be so debilitating that he will change his behaviour in order not to experience them again. This can crush his natural self-expression and confidence.

If your son tries something, doesn’t succeed, and then is shamed, verbally abused or made to feel like he’s a failure, there is a serious risk he will not be prepared to try it again in future. If, on the other hand, you support him, reflect on what happened, work out why it happened and give him positive feedback and praise for trying in the first place, he will feel safe and confident to have another go.

Why do fathers shame their sons? Most do it in order to control them and make them behave the way that they want. In the past, physical punishment was more commonly used to discipline boys and deter certain behaviours. These are examples of serious shaming. When a boy is beaten by a man he feels powerless, victimised and unloved.

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